James Wesley Burke

Well, here it is again New Years Eve.  It will be 2011 shortly and almost 3 years since we lost you.   The years seem to be moving quickly, but my life seems to moving in slow motion.   I am doing well, but would be much better if you were still here with us.  We miss you more than you can imagine.  I can't say still that the pain is not so bad, because some days it still is.  I am trying to move on with my life, and still keep you close.  That is probaly the hardest part.  You knew I hated to be alone, yet for the last three years I have been.  I battle with remaining loyal to you and finding love again.  I know you would want me to find someone who will take care of me and love me, but when I get close I feel guilt.  I guess I am going to battle with that for awhile longer.   Just know that I love you as much now as I did when we were married.   Still save me a cloud.  I will be by your side again when it is my time.  I love you and miss you. 

Your Wife

Carolyn

Tomorrow, March 14, 2010, will mark the 2 year anniversary that we lost you.  Can I say that things are better now than they were that day, I am not sure.  Some days I don't feel the pain as much, but most days, I feel the pain of your illness and passing so strongly that it takes me by surprise.  Each day that passes I feel more alone than the day bfore.  I try to find some joy in my work, but than I come home and you are not there, at least not in body.  You are here in spirit and in thought.  Jordan and I talk about you all the time and wish that we both still had you here with us.  We had so much still to do and so much love to share.  We both needed to learn how to love each other.  We didn't get enough time to learn.  We will have to do that in our next life.  Just know that you are not forgotten and never will be.  You will be in my heart and soul for the rest of my days.  Tami keeps telling me that you wouldn't want me to be sad, but I don't know how not to be yet.  We are getting together tomorrow, having your favorite dinner and dessert.  I love you with all my heart and miss you more than I can say here.  Watch over us....Take care and be good.  I will continue to wait for us to be together.

I still hear the songs

I still see the lights

I still feel your love

on cold wintery nights.

I still share your hopes

and all of your cares

I'll ever remind you

to please say your prayers.

I just want to tell you

you still make me proud

You stand head and shoulders

above all the crowd.

Keep  trying each moment

to stay in His grace

I came here before you

to help set your place.

You don't have to be

perfect all of the time

He forgives you the slip

If you continue the climb.

To my family and friends

please be thankful today

I/m still close beside you

In a new special way.

I love you all dearly

now don't shed a tear

Cause I'm spending my

Christmas with Jesus this year.

(written by John Wm. Mooney Jr.)

This is not so much a memory, but is rather me talking to Jim. 

Jimmy-today is new years eve. In less than 3 1/2 hours, it will be another year.  So much has happened this past year, that the thought of another is quite scary.  I haven't recovered from this year, and i really don't want to start another.  This marks another year I am beginning completely alone.  I know I have our family and my children, but that is not the same as having you..  You loved me like no one ever did.  We may of had our problems, but deep down I know you loved me more than anything.  I know you would have done anythng to stay with me and knowing how much you loved me brings me comfort most days.  I am not sure if I will find that comfort tonight.  This should have been the first year I would not start off alone.  Some days I am so angry I can't even breathe, others I am grateful you are at peace, and yet others I am so sad, I don't want to get up.  How do I keep going on like this?  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  All I see is darkness.  When my mom passed away, I don't remember this much pain, although I am sure it was there, just not so profound.  I finally found the love I was looking for, and it was snatched away before I was ready.  Whatever made me strong before, is all gone.  I don't want to be strong, I just want to be your wife.  Don't get me wrong, I know that won't happen, at least not literaly.  But I truly believe I will forever be Carolyn Marie Burke, James Wesley Burke's wife, for the rest of my life.  That makes me happy....

I wish you were here to celebrate this new year, because without you, there is no celebration, just the passing of one year into the next.  Watch over all of us Jim, as i think it is going to be a long one.

I love you and miss you with all my heart and soul.  Watch the skies tonight, we are sending our love at midnight. 

Love forever, your wife

I found this poem on Jim's birthday.  Like I needed another reason to cry on that day.  

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Jimmy, I love you and miss you very much.  Mom and Scott are leaving soon for Maine, so we will be apart from more family.  Having Mom around the last few months has helped me through this.  I regret the time we lost and wish I had the time to make it up to you.  There will never be another to take your place.  You always told me to be patient and wait for you, for it would be worth the wait and sadness.   Help me make it through the wait....I am not as strong as I used to be.  See you in my dreams........love you always, your wife